Gross

I am an insurance agent by trade. Vanessa is the receptionist that works with me. The following was an email I sent to my mother at her job about a bathroom break.

This morning I was running ahead of schedule, and showed up to work about an hour early. This was a good thing because I wanted to catch up on some work that is best done while uninterrupted.

I sat down at my desk, and realized I had to poop.

This was not good. I had stuff to do.

I stayed at my desk and grinded through paperwork, both happy with my productivity and sad that my guts ached with turd.

Imagine my relief when I saw Vanessa come into the office at 8:57AM! I can go drop a deuce while she watched the store. Hooray!

At 8:58AM my first client walks in. Unfortunately it was someone whom I have helped for years that was completely unprepared. He wanted to catch up on recent life changes, and get a policy done that required a great deal of research on my part. Yippee! I get to wallow in my fecal frustrations a little while longer!

Somewhere around 10:00AM he left, and I fielded ‘urgent’ phone calls until about 10:30AM. As I hung up the phone on my last call I told Vanessa that I needed to go potty right away. She nodded as she picked up the ringing phone and began taking a message for me. I bolted out the door and shuffled to the shitter, wondering if I was going to deposit my load in or out of my pants.

I got into the rest room, locked the door behind me, did the unfasten-the-pants dance, and simultaneously dropped my drawers and sat down.

I made it!

The pressure inside of me was not just blustering for attention. I was about to lay siege to the toilet with an epic attack of porcelain putty.

I felt my sphincter begin to expand. The flexing was almost frightening. I knew this was going to be a monster. It was only the beginning and I succumbed to the idea that my tushy would tear from the enormity of my evacuation.

Then it happened. Right when the poop was prairie-dogging, something horrible took place.

I coughed. I coughed a big cough. I coughed a cough that made the bathroom sound like a sonic boom went off in an echo chamber.

My Diaphragm and the rest of my insides all contracted quickly, and with vigorous force.

This propelled my football sized feces from my hind quarters at break-neck velocity. My anus passed a three pound chunk of waste in .3 seconds. The pain in my guts went to a pain in my ass in an instant.

I felt violated. How could my body betray me like this?

My self pity was quickly washed away with the ice cold splash of public bathroom toilet water right up the poop shoot. Apparently my butthole hadn’t closed fast enough to prevent the enema of a thousand strangers’ rest room visits from cleansing my colon.

Yay!

At least there was nothing but water to wipe off of my disgraced back side.

I’m still sitting crooked in my chair at my desk. Only time (maybe therapy) will heal this wound.

:)